Addiction

I fell off the wagon...

I WAS doing sooo good. So what would one meal from Wendy's hurt? I'll just get a chicken sandwich and fries with a water... Eh, make that TWO chicken sandwiches, fries and water. Nothing will happen, and plus I've been so disciplined. I'll eat right tomorrow and be back on track...

WRONG...

I take an inch and want a mile. I take 1 meal and make it months of meals... I ate some sort of fast food  it a couple time a week for approximately 2 months. . (Unless I happened to go to the gym that day). Whether it be Wendy's, KFC (the two main ones), Burger King, or my Dairy Queen stop (I'm a sucker for soft serve). Now, because I had been eating so good. Every time I ate fast food, it would literally make me sick. I would feel like crap, all the time. But I still ate it. Everyday I would feel GUILTY and beat myself up for it. But I still ate it. This time around, I KNEW it wasn't good for me! I was destroying myself. No one forcing it down my throat-except me. I've worked way too hard for this, what am I doing? All these are thoughts that would go through my head WHILE eating. And still, I continued to eat it.

I would roll up to a fast food place on my lunch, eat in the car, and drive back to work an hour later. Next plan? How do I get rid of my evidence. Tam cant find out, and I work for her parents-so I cant throw it away at work. Best plan, throw it away at a gas station on the way to her house. No one will ever know. 

Not sure what happened but after the 2 months of getting off track. I found the track again and was "decent" for the next couple months... Until, I fell off again, and summer was here this time, which meant hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, junk, you name it, I ate it. Tam would eventually cut me off after so much junk, but what she didn't know was-I was eating fast food-when I wasn't around her. ALMOST daily now. As if the summer food wasn't bad enough. EVERYDAY I was mad at myself, EVERYDAY I felt like complete crap, both about what I was eating-and how it made me feel, I felt GUILTY EVERYDAY, but kept eating it, telling myself "I'll start again tomorrow". I felt sneaky because I couldn't let anyone know. It was like my "Secret" and I hated myself for it. But at the same time it was like a high. The thrill of having to "plot" it out. I had to have time to drive to the fast food, the thrill eating it, the thrill of having to find somewhere to dispose of it, and the thrill of having to hide it. Now, not all these thrills made me feel good. In fact, none did, they all made me feel like crap. But I still did it. Soon realizing, I was in serious trouble.

I was ADDICTED to food. I never knew "food addiction" actually existed. I knew about drug and alcohol addiction but FOOD addiction, seriously? I did some research on it, and realizing I had an eating disorder- "Food Addiction" and was too embarrassed to tell anyone.  I was mad at myself, scared of going back to being fat, but not knowing how to control it. 

So, I did what I was used to, and turned to food... I added Tim Horton's Ice Capps to my daily routine. This is how my day looked.

Ice Capp on the way to work.

Go home for lunch so I can cook healthy.

Ice Capp on the way back to work.

Fast food for dinner.

The same high drug and alcohol addicts get, was the same high I was getting, only from food. I cant tell anyone, because I feel like a complete idiot already. How embarrassing.

I would try to tell myself that God says my body is suppose to be my Holy Temple, I have to take care of it. I would pray about it, endlessly-nothing was working. I would lay in bed at night and cry and just beat myself up. But I just couldn't stop, I couldn't get enough.

I could start to see a weight change, clearly, I was gaining, but "nothing too bad" I thought. I kind of disowned the gym-it was summer, I was busy-so I wasn't making time to fit in the gym. Throw that into eating like crap, and its not gonna work out too good.

I'm the type of person who cant have just 1 bite. I take one bite, you better believe I'm going for the whole thing, and more probably. Once I start, I cant stop. Since I screwed up lunch, might as well screw up dinner too, right? Why not? "I'll start again tomorrow-one more meal wont hurt."

My food addiction problem was becoming serious...

And then one day changed it all...