The Dr.

I don't have health insurance, so it had been some time since I've been to the doctor. YEARS, except for Urgent Care when I was super sick.


Well, September came around and I was getting sick. Missed about a week of work (I NEVER miss work), had very little money, and no insurance. Tam used to work in a Dr.'s office and suggested we give it try, she says they'll see me and shes sure they'll work some sort of payment out for me. I'm desperate, so we all load in the car and make the trip (its in Auburn Hills which is 30-45 minutes from me, depending on traffic.) I look like absolute crap, I've been sick and in bed for literally a week. I get called back and see Dr. S, he takes 2 seconds and immediately says I have strep throat. I get some meds and now Tam wants to introduce me to people. LOL-Like I'm in any condition to meet people! Nice to meet you, here's strep throat! She points out different people, points out another Dr... yada yada yada... We get in the car and she informs me that they saw me for free (which was a total blessing), and she promised them I'd make an appointment for a physical. She had been bugging me to get a physical as I hadn't been to the doctors in years, which is easier said than done when you don't have any insurance. She also suggests I see the woman Dr. I didn't meet her but Tam had pointed her out to me. And there was noooo way I was going to her.


Let me give you a little back story. I HATE doctors. Every time I would go to the doctor whether it was for a check up or because I was sick. The doctor would simply say "Your overweight" or "Your fat". Great-I already know I'm fat, but can you help me out with my sickness? I even had one doctor refuse to treat me because I was so "fat". So you can clearly see why I hate doctors.




So Tam is steadily pushing me to call and make an appointment with Dr. J (the woman Dr.) This woman is 1-a thin woman, and 2-very pretty... I, being fat and ugly, was NOT going to go to the woman Dr. and so I procrastinated making the appointment, for about a month. Tam is trying to convince me that shes the best at what she does, she's funny, shes sweet... And in my eyes, a Dr. cant be any of those things, I don't like Dr.'s and now she wants me to see this woman?! She's crazy. So what does she do... makes the appointment for me-How nice of her right? ha!




My appointment is Nov. 2nd, which was still about a month away. I go get blood work done ahead of time so it can be discussed at the appointment. This physical is also going to cost anywhere from 100.00-150.00, with a minimum of 50.00 the day of. So I'd also been saving up as well.




Nov. 2nd comes. I had an AM appointment so I could just get this out of the way. I'm NOT looking forward to this and totally "scared". The doctor is just going to tell me I'm fat, I need to lose more weight, and that's it... Good times. And the 45 minute drive isn't helping! I know I've gained weight because I'd fallen from my diet, just not sure how much weight, so that's nerve wrecking on top of having to go see this thin, beautiful doctor.


I get to the office, sign in and wait, which felt like forever but in reality was about 5 minutes. The girl calls me back to get height and weight. I step on the scale... And want to cry.




296...






The last time I weighed myself I was in the 260's. This meant I had gained anywhere from 30-40 pounds and I was 4 pounds away from being back in the 300's-which I vowed to never be again. I was devastated, and to top it off, still had to see the doctor. Great.




I'm now waiting for the Doctor, and totally nervous. She walks in and I'm prepared for the worst. This woman was gonna tear me apart!




I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE FURTHER OFF FROM THE TRUTH.




This woman was amazing. Funny, sweet,  and kind. Weight got brought up, obviously... I told her I had lost, fell off, gained... the whole story. She didn't judge me at all! She was SOOO encouraging. She had believed in me. I had all the tools to lose weight-I had already lost a decent amount, but wasn't staying disciplined. It was all up to me to start losing the weight again, and she believed I could do it. She also said the words "Nothing tastes as good, as being thin feels." Which to this day, have stayed imprinted in my brain, and basically become my motto for life.




All my blood work came back and Okay, and I was healthy-so now, I just have to get back on the train and start losing. I couldn't allow myself to get back to 300. I was almost on the brink of tears the whole time I was in the Doctors.




The Doctor and I talked a little while longer, and Tam was right-this woman is absolutely the most amazing Doctor/person ever. I love her! She totally changed my mind about how I felt about Doctors (sort of-I'm pretty convinced I dislike all doctors except her, but I've become partial!) She even hugged me before leaving, which Doctor does that?!




Now its time to leave, I get to the counter. The lady then proceeds to say "It'll be 25.00 for today." Now, I brought 50.00 with me because when I had called previously they said 50.00 at time of visit and I'd be billed for the rest. So I give her 50.00 anyways and just tell her to apply it to my bill. She says "No hunny, the total is 25.00." Because of Tam and her previously working there, and the office knowing my no insurance situation, they totally helped me out. And only charge me 25.00 each time I go. So-an amazing Doctor and an amazing office?!




I'm still on the brink of tears, because I cant believe I've allowed myself to gain that much weight. I get in my car, and tears started instantly. I sat in the parking lot for probably about 30-45 minutes after my appointment. I called Tam (who at this point, still doesn't know I had been eating fast food again.) I called her crying and completely confessed everything that had been going on for months. Scared shes going to be mad or disappointed or something! She was sooo supportive, told me she understood. And was 100% on board with me and would help me with EVERYTHING. I told her how much I loved the doctor, and she of course laughed-because I usually doubt Tam, and then when it happens-I Thank her!




That day, I got back on track! We started hitting the gym again, I was VERY determined to lose this weight!




Since Nov. 2nd, I have lost 54 pounds, bringing my total weight lose to 96 pounds from my original 338 pound self. I'm still not perfect and have my off days. I've had fast food ONCE, and pizza a couple of times (which was portioned to a slice or two-that's it!) And I still mess up from time to time...




I'm completely blessed with an amazing support team, and Doctor. She's one of my biggest cheer leaders. She puts up with all my crazy text messages about food questions,  or if I'm having a bad discipline day/week-she hears about it! She always puts me back in perspective and is always sooo motivating and encouraging. I can now say I actually LOOK FORWARD to going to the Doctors. People say all the time "You drive 45 minutes to the doctors, get a different doctor!" HELL NO! I love my Doctor and the relationship I've been able to build with her. I WOULD NOT have gone this far if it wasn't for her. And could never Thank her enough for all she has done for me. She has single handedly changed my life. There is no way to repay that.

Addiction

I fell off the wagon...

I WAS doing sooo good. So what would one meal from Wendy's hurt? I'll just get a chicken sandwich and fries with a water... Eh, make that TWO chicken sandwiches, fries and water. Nothing will happen, and plus I've been so disciplined. I'll eat right tomorrow and be back on track...

WRONG...

I take an inch and want a mile. I take 1 meal and make it months of meals... I ate some sort of fast food  it a couple time a week for approximately 2 months. . (Unless I happened to go to the gym that day). Whether it be Wendy's, KFC (the two main ones), Burger King, or my Dairy Queen stop (I'm a sucker for soft serve). Now, because I had been eating so good. Every time I ate fast food, it would literally make me sick. I would feel like crap, all the time. But I still ate it. Everyday I would feel GUILTY and beat myself up for it. But I still ate it. This time around, I KNEW it wasn't good for me! I was destroying myself. No one forcing it down my throat-except me. I've worked way too hard for this, what am I doing? All these are thoughts that would go through my head WHILE eating. And still, I continued to eat it.

I would roll up to a fast food place on my lunch, eat in the car, and drive back to work an hour later. Next plan? How do I get rid of my evidence. Tam cant find out, and I work for her parents-so I cant throw it away at work. Best plan, throw it away at a gas station on the way to her house. No one will ever know. 

Not sure what happened but after the 2 months of getting off track. I found the track again and was "decent" for the next couple months... Until, I fell off again, and summer was here this time, which meant hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, junk, you name it, I ate it. Tam would eventually cut me off after so much junk, but what she didn't know was-I was eating fast food-when I wasn't around her. ALMOST daily now. As if the summer food wasn't bad enough. EVERYDAY I was mad at myself, EVERYDAY I felt like complete crap, both about what I was eating-and how it made me feel, I felt GUILTY EVERYDAY, but kept eating it, telling myself "I'll start again tomorrow". I felt sneaky because I couldn't let anyone know. It was like my "Secret" and I hated myself for it. But at the same time it was like a high. The thrill of having to "plot" it out. I had to have time to drive to the fast food, the thrill eating it, the thrill of having to find somewhere to dispose of it, and the thrill of having to hide it. Now, not all these thrills made me feel good. In fact, none did, they all made me feel like crap. But I still did it. Soon realizing, I was in serious trouble.

I was ADDICTED to food. I never knew "food addiction" actually existed. I knew about drug and alcohol addiction but FOOD addiction, seriously? I did some research on it, and realizing I had an eating disorder- "Food Addiction" and was too embarrassed to tell anyone.  I was mad at myself, scared of going back to being fat, but not knowing how to control it. 

So, I did what I was used to, and turned to food... I added Tim Horton's Ice Capps to my daily routine. This is how my day looked.

Ice Capp on the way to work.

Go home for lunch so I can cook healthy.

Ice Capp on the way back to work.

Fast food for dinner.

The same high drug and alcohol addicts get, was the same high I was getting, only from food. I cant tell anyone, because I feel like a complete idiot already. How embarrassing.

I would try to tell myself that God says my body is suppose to be my Holy Temple, I have to take care of it. I would pray about it, endlessly-nothing was working. I would lay in bed at night and cry and just beat myself up. But I just couldn't stop, I couldn't get enough.

I could start to see a weight change, clearly, I was gaining, but "nothing too bad" I thought. I kind of disowned the gym-it was summer, I was busy-so I wasn't making time to fit in the gym. Throw that into eating like crap, and its not gonna work out too good.

I'm the type of person who cant have just 1 bite. I take one bite, you better believe I'm going for the whole thing, and more probably. Once I start, I cant stop. Since I screwed up lunch, might as well screw up dinner too, right? Why not? "I'll start again tomorrow-one more meal wont hurt."

My food addiction problem was becoming serious...

And then one day changed it all...

Changes...

Once I finally realized I had to make changes-it WASN'T easy. I DIDN'T know how to even eat healthy. My interpretation of a semi healthy meal was-Chicken (in any form, including fried, corn and a potato.) Boy, was I wrong! I had never eaten a salad in my life! What would I want to eat a leaf?! They belong on trees! I was still pretty devastated about having to cut out carbs, and ALMOST everything I ate on a daily basis. My life consisted of fast food (sometimes numerous times a day-with an upgrade), frozen pizza, frozen chicken strips, fast food, frozen french fries, Mac N Cheese, pasta, bread, fast food, cereal, chips, pretzels, potatoes, corn (as my one and only vegetable), I loved fruit-but only ate it when we had it... Oh-and did I mention fast food? I drank large amounts of pop and juice. I was basically killing myself and not even knowing. I knew some of this wasn't good, but I had to give it ALL up? 

Tam helped me with everything. I worked as a nanny next door to where she lived, so she would often make me lunches and bring them over so she knew that even if I cheated (which I did-at times) I would have at least ONE healthy meal. I slowly took foods out of my diet. I DID NOT take it all out at once. It was a looonnggg process. I also would not settle for giving up potatoes, so I continued to eat them, but ONLY baked-no butter with sea salt and pepper. The food change, was horrible. I realized food had become a comfort for me. Something I could depend on during my good and BAD times. It would make me feel better, and I knew it would always be there. I also realized my portion sizes were probably 3 or 4 times more than what "normal" was considered. I seriously thought I was going to starve. Tam kept telling me more protein, less carbs and sugar! How do I know what has protein and carbs? Then I find out there's good carbs and bad crabs! How do I know?! I knew nothing, like I said! She walked me through everything and was there every step of the way. On my good, bad, and ugly days-and let me tell you, when I couldn't get something that consisted of carbs, I turned ugly. If I were her, I would have given up on myself. Let me tell you-she NEVER gave up. She was always sooo positive and very determined to get her friend healthy, which motivated me. If any of you are struggling with weight loss. I honestly hope you have a "Tam" in your life. I would have NEVER been able to do it on my own.

I wasn't ready to work out. I was still "too fat" to work out (in my opinion). So that meant I seriously had to change what I was eating if I wanted to start losing some pounds. Well, the pounds started falling off... No fast food, no more frozen foods, cut a lot of carbs and sugar out. I was mostly eating meat, yogurt, eggs, fruits, I was still working on the vegetable part :-) I tried to learn to like salads, and as long as there was meat in there I could handle it. I was losing weight and starting to feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, I craved carbs, sugar and greasy foods still! But I knew I HAD to lose weight.

Just when I was starting to do good, Tam challenges me. NO CARBS FOR 2 WEEKS, NO CARBS! I think the words that came out of my mouth were "Your freaking crazy" "Your trying to kill me" "No way, you've really lost it". Well, what she didn't know was-I love a challenge. I love to prove people wrong. Or maybe she did know, and that's why she did it?! Regardless, I told her I would do it, and... I DID it! It was hard, but the weight loss at the end of the 2 weeks was well worth it! After that I continued to give up carbs, except for potatoes (I'm Polish and Italian! Potatoes are part of me!). Don't think it was that easy though. I still had times (quite a few) that I cheated. Can I also tell you-I felt TOTALLY guilty each time I did too.

Over the next few months, still not exercising, but eating good and only drinking water-I was dropping pounds like nothing! I had lost 60-65 pounds on just changing my diet. Mostly watching carbs, I NEVER looked at calories or the fat! I LOVED the compliment about how good I looked, and how proud everyone was of me. It kept me going! It was good, I could handle this... 

Until... Tam suggests I join a gym... "Your on drugs, no way am I going to a gym with a bunch of skinny people. I'm too fat too workout!" And that was my answer for probably the next month or two... Then...................... I caved... She talked me into it. I'll never forget the ride to the gym-she was sooooo excited. Me? Not so much, I was nervous, scared and every other emotion you can think of! And we weren't even working out-just going to sign up! I had NEVER stepped foot into a gym. Gyms were for skinny people, NOT fat people. We got through the registration and left. Tam-still excited... Me-still scared! Now what? I have a gym membership, what do I do? I don't know the first thing about working out-I still get winded just walking! Well, she convinced me to try Zumba, its just dancing-how hard can it be? HARD! I was still 270 some pounds, moving quick and bouncing around for an hour wasn't easy. Fun but hard as heck. I looked like an idiot for a WHILE! I would make sure I was in the back of the class! I already felt uncomfortable because I was fat, I didn't need everyone watching me! However, I always broke a sweat so I continued going and continued to strengthen myself and kept getting better and still sweating :-) (I feel like my workout was useless if I don't break a good sweat!) I was doing good and loving the gym.

Then...

Something happened......

(Stay tuned!)

YOU have to want it!

It all started with the Wii Fit!

Lets take it back to the beginning.

I wanted to play the Wii Fit! So I get it out, set it up, turn the Wii on, and we're good to go! It tells me not to step on yet and to create a member-I do just that. A little Wii person, dark curly hair pink shirt so on and so on. Now it wants to get some stats on me before playing. It needs my weight and tells me to step on: a message pops up across the screen.

A message that changed my life as weird as that may sound.

The message read "Weight exceeds maximum weight limit"...........

Surely something was wrong was the board, I pick it up, move it to a different location. I'm good, wait for it to tell me to step on, and the message pops up again... I'm thinking to myself "you've got to be kidding me" I may have even said it out loud. What the heck is the weight limit on the Wii Fit?! Turn it over and it says "Maximum weight 330lbs". Holy crap-my heart sank. I know I'm big, but over 330 pounds? This cant be right... I ran (if you want to call it that) upstairs to the scale, brace myself and stop on.....

It read:

338

That had to be a mistake too-I KNEW I wasn't 338 lbs. NO WAY.
So, I try it again.
and this time:

338

I wanted to cry. I was in my early EARLY 20's, and I was over 300 pounds-12 pounds from being 350.

I ran (as fast as I could being 338 pounds) down stairs to call my Best Friend, Tam. Now, mind you-NO ONE except a doctor has ever known my real weight. Tam would always try to talk to me bout being healthy and maybe changing some things, and I wasn't really interested. I called her and told her what had happened AND told her I weighed myself and was 338 pounds. When I told her, my heart kind of skipped, because NO one has ever known my weight and I had been called fat by "family" my whole life. I wasn't in the condition to be called names, or hear a lecture after finding out I was 338 pounds.

She wanted to help! She said she'd walk me through everything and she was there for me 100%, and we were starting NOW. Now?! I thought to myself! I KNOW NOTHING about being healthy or eating healthy. I know fruit is good for you, and vegetables (which I HATE every single vegetable known to man). I wasn't sure what was about to happen... But I knew I didn't want to be fat anymore. But how would I even begin to lose weight? I'd get winded walking for too long or going up stairs.

One of the first things she said to me was less carbs. Carbs? How do I know what a carb is? (I told you I knew NOTHING about this stuff!) I soon came to realize, all my favorite foods consisted of carbs. I was going to die.

I was scared and determined all at the same time...

To be continued:

Welcome

I decided to start a blog about my weight loss journey in hopes that I may be able to help or inspire someone else. The last thing I think I am is an inspiration (but according to Lori Bunk and a few other people I'm an inspiration-I think there all crazy if you ask me!) :-), but many people have come to me seeking advice or just tips on weight loss and what I've been doing. I'm currently down 96 pounds and still need to lose about 58 to reach my goal. So hopefully you'll join me on the rest of my weight loss journey! Its been easy and HARD all at the same time. More hard than easy, but totally worth it and something I would do all over again if I had to-but lets hope I don't!

Side note: I have noooo idea how to work this site, so give me a couple days and I'll have my 1st official post for you guys!!!!