Denial and Addiction

Its been almost a year since I've posted anything. There has been a reason for that. And the reason isint that I've been soo busy working out. In the past year I could probably count how many times I've showed my face in a gym and know that I could not count how many food binges I have had. It pretty much started two posts ago or about a year, whichever you prefer. The past year has been a very trying year for me because I battle with Food Addiction. Yes, as silly as it sounds-it is real.

Food Addiction:

Experiments in animals and humans show that, for some people, the same reward and pleasure centers of the brain that are triggered by addictive drugs like cocaine and heroin are also activated by food, especially highly palatable foods. Highly palatable foods are foods rich in:

• Sugar
• Fat
• Salt

Like addictive drugs, highly palatable foods trigger feel-good brain chemicals such as dopamine. Once people experience pleasure associated with increased dopamine transmission in the brain's reward pathway from eating certain foods, they quickly feel the need to eat again.

The reward signals from highly palatable foods may override other signals of fullness and satisfaction. As a result, people keep eating, even when they're not hungry.

-Web MD

The Addiction is very scary. I worked so hard to lose over 100 lbs and to let it be ruined. I ruined myself. But because of food addiction no matter how much I hate myself after eating or how fat I feel. I still binge. I binge on almost everything. Good food and bad. When I have it in my head that I want a certain food. There really is no stopping me. I've canceled plans because of food. I've lost friends because of the addiction. I knew there house would be a trigger for me so I'd avoid going there, but being too embarrassed to talk to the friend about the addiction. Or would find an excuse to not hang out with someone because I'm embarrassed of how much weight I've gained. I stopped going to places such as bible study/church because I'm embarrassed of my weight. But yet, none of those things are enough to get me through it. 

Last night I was talking with a friend who also battles with food addiction. Its weird when we talk because its as if we are the same person. For the past year I have avoided the scale because I was scared of how much I gained. Nothing fits me except for workout pants and t shirts so I KNOW I've gained. It wasn't a secret, but something about getting on a scale scared me to death. My friend told me I had to eventually do it and face reality. She was right. I needed a reality check no matter how scared I was. So, I pulled out the scale and well-stepped on it. 

I didn't cry instantly-it took a few minutes for it to sink in. I'm not sure if I want to say my weight. I'm under 300 (338 being my heaviest), I've gained more than 80 lbs through 1 year. I seriously cried for about 20 minutes while I had 2 friends through text trying to encourage me. 

I know I need to change my eating habits, how? I'm not exactly sure, but if I dont I'm literally going to ruin my body and I'm not just talking about outside appearance. I'm scared as hell to re-start this journey especially now that I know addiction is involved. I always sort of knew I had a problem, but not that I REALLY know its scary. I'm scared, very scared. 

I have a good support system and am starting a new book on how to fight food addiction. With that I'm hoping I can finally beat my addiction.